Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
wtf management?!
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I have questions??
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh