WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
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My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.