When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Stop sending me this shit.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news