My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
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MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Cheers Twitter.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers