I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I can’t deal with men any longer
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
everyone has that one prude friend
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.