If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding