If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I bet birds love this building.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.