National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
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Meow
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.