[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
You Might Also Like
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
some Old Testament wisdom
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo