Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
You Might Also Like
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
taking June’s advice to heart
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
*cough*
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there