I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
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Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.