if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
it’s the silliest best thing
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.