4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
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[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
This is the one
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now