[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
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After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Solving a traffic jam
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.