*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
You Might Also Like
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
new shirt idea
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”