Solving a traffic jam
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Weirdly Wednesday.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.