So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.