[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
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Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.