If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.