@MrSpoonicorn hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
@MoistPork If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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@MrSpoonicorn 
@sweetmomissa Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
@Trisarahjtops Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
@claire_mudie This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
@david8hughes *grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
@Quartzjixler *aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
@LuvPug Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
@ModernFamiIyy 
@longwall26 A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
@Cheeseboy22 Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”