If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“OMGJK” -atheists
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
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