If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.