Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

lmfao come on

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

me logging onto twitter

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”