I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
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A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”