Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?