You Might Also Like
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.