Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life