twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
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I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Am getting real tired of your crap…
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.