[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
did it work
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Can’t stop laughing
wow
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Ummm
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I can fix him.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!