Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Thinking about Jeff
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass