What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually