You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
house sitting!
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!