Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”