That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
what does he know…
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb