That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.![]()
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
you have three unread messages
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Received some very disappointing news today
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best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face