That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Erm I’m gonna say no
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Sub-Zero: Ok fine
Scorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.