That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Hyena: what’s my name again?
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?