*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!