[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year