Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
the greatest twitter interaction
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what