Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
You Might Also Like
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*