[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
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ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”