Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
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The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET