ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My whole life was a lie.