Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”