me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes