If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
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SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know