Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
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911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?