911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
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Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I鈥檓 two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can鈥檛 stop giggling because she just said hard on.
It鈥檚 that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King鈥檚 Hawaiian rolls.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Him: I can鈥檛 wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It鈥檚 just the sun doesn鈥檛 set until like 9pm and that鈥檚 way past my bedtime.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
HER: Take a shower with me. 馃槉
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 馃槉[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: 鈥are.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 馃槀馃コ
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She鈥檒l be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*