I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
relationship goals
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over