Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.