Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
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[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.