My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
man: wait
time: no
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?