Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
time machine? you mean a clock?