Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me too
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.