just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.