just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
my mom making me talk to relatives
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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
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Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”