I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
This is the best one I’ve seen
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.