Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
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me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Has there ever been a more American story?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??