One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.